This is the commentary for the NTSC version of the Conan The Barbarian DVD. (The Blu Ray is slightly different, we will possibly add that version down the line.)
Once upon a time, a young Austrian man came to our shores, looking to become the most powerful man in the world. And one day, he realized that dream, starring in the worldwide phenomenon, Hercules Goes Bananas. But soon, his star fell, and he was forced to star in low-grade, low-budget films like Predator, Commando, and, of course, Conan the Barbarian.
Conan tells the tale of what happened to a small boy whose village was destroyed when James Earl Jones stopped by (though when you are in charge of the Death Star, you tend to leave paths of destruction wherever you go). The young boy gets strapped to a wheel he is forced to push for many years, which gives you a body that months and months at L.A. Fitness seems incapable of delivering (never mind he never eats in all this time). After many years of pit fighting and tawdry love affairs, Conan stumbles across a snake-worshipping cult, only to find by pure coincidence that Jones, now called Thulsa Doom, is in charge of it. With his friend Subotai (not to be confused with Sukhothai, who make the world's greatest PP6 with Beef hands down) and 'girlfriend' Valeria, he plots his revenge on the maniacal wizard. But with a voice that smooth, can Doom ever be stopped?
Though normally a loner, The One Man Band teams up somewhat reluctantly with k1 and k2 at OneWallCinema. But the reluctance isn't to last, as not only do the Conan impressions come out fast and furious, but all ends well with a rousing musical number. If you're not in tears by the end...well, then, you're just a jerk. Or have no tear ducts. In which case, we're sorry we thought you were a jerk.
If you use the RIfftrax Player to watch your riffs, this will work with it! Just download the .sync file from here: www.onewallcinema.com
Video sample clip can be seen here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkBFcbwBvHw